37. Getting to know me

10 Nov 2017

It’s been another roller coaster week, with good days and not so good days. I was running errands yesterday, but walking like a zombie because I was that tired. My energy had just vanished, and I didn’t feel like meeting anyone, or talking. I just wanted to sit down, but I’d set myself some tasks to do – getting a new lamp for my wife’s bedside – and I was going to try my best to do it. After all…

It’s not like I’m working.

It was pouring today. I still had to go back to Ikea to change the light bulbs for my wife’s new bedside lamp because it was too dim. I’d managed to clean the fans and the aircon filters, and I was quite tired, but there’s nothing a good Samurai burger can’t solve. But because it was pouring, I decided to wear my newest jacket out. I’d bought this jacket from Uniqlo because it was nice, fit me well.

I’d bought it to wear at my new job.

I never knew going through my windbreakers and jackets would make me feel so melancholic.

I’m still in a Whatsapp group with my Orientation group members. HR tells us we’re the only group that’s still so close knit over time. It’s the company D&D today!

I never knew a company D&D would mean so much to me until I have lost the right to go for one. Though I doubt I’d go even if I had the chance.

It’s just that looking at the faces of my OG mates from the photos they took, knowing that I’m saying goodbye to them in my heart because I have no choice makes a part of me hurt and want to die. Looking at the faces of the shoppers in Ikea, people with dreams, hopes, jobs, preparing for their new homes, buying new furniture, or just sitting out the storm, I felt adrift. I felt like I was too different. I was making up imaginary conversations in my head where I’d tell myself “You’re not working!” and reply with “Yes! That’s not a bad thing!” and a third part of me that would crawl into one corner and sit there and stare blankly at the wall because I’m not working.

I don’t know why it matters so much. I’ve already written it down as part of my homework – and somehow, working and earning a good living still matters at some level. It shouldn’t. I’ve never really bothered about the big bucks, which is also possibly why we don’t have savings. But it formed a part of me, to do what was right rather than to do what earned the most cash. Spending time with the boys instead of chasing the next pay check. Earning less, but heading home on time.

I don’t know why it matters so much. Perhaps my therapist has an answer, but for now, that’s the way it is. It hurts even more when I admit to myself that the money I’m earning now actually did look really attractive. I’m no longer going to have it. Why, why, why does it matter? I’m doing so much better now. I’ve managed to think through what I really want, I’ve managed to repair my relationship with my sons, I’ve rested and learnt more about myself, I’ve gotten help for my condition.

Maybe I just miss that normalcy. That benign quality of living life, where it’s a routine that’s comfortable and nice. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

I’m tired of maybes.

Maybe I’m too tired to be doing this kind of thinking.

In other news. I’ve started a comics blog at Depressed Dave – A Comic about depression. Go take a gander if you haven’t already.

Otherwise, please pray for me to trust God, if you’re a Christian, or just hope that my therapist can help me work through this next week, if you’re not.

Oh, and I should be giving a talk on depression come 29 Nov at my workplace before I leave. I hope that goes well, and IMH may be able to help as part of their outreach programs. Please pray for that as well, if you can.

On another note, Ikea does a mean seafood chowder. Lots of prawns. Very yummy on a cold day.

I thought I was having a good day, but it turns out, when things surface which need to be dealt with, no matter how good the day, tears still threaten to fall.

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